Dating in your mid-thirties is kind of like visiting The Island of Misfit Toys. Except instead of mildly cute, if ill-conceived, playthings you're more likely to end up with a parade of neuroses and bad habits and dysfunction-- and I'm not just talking about the guys, here. So maybe it's more like the last days of a going-out-of-business sale at Filene's Basement.
Anyway, the young swain who asked me to lunch today was perfectly nice, actually, but also kind of "eh." We dined in Chinatown, a place I rarely go because never in the history of ever has it ended well when a man asked me to go to Chinatown. Even that time E-Money and I ended up there for dinner after seeing the third Lord of the Rings movie I ended up with what was either severe indigestion or mild food poisoning.
Lunch was pretty good. I opted for scallion chicken from a menu that also featured something called "Pork Bung," which is, I believe, exactly what it sounds like. Then we went to this bakery that serves smoothies and tea. The tea might have been very nice, but this guy ordered a smoothie with durian fruit.
I like to think I'm relatively adventurous in the culinary sphere. I've eaten haggis. I've eaten parts of a lamb that I couldn't identify. I grew up eating livermush, and I love the stuff. Hell, I could probably be convinced to try pork bung under circumstances that weren't the first fifteen minutes of a first date, even a chemistry-free first date.
But, ladies, I think I can safely say that if you are out with a guy and he orders something containing durian fruit, you can rest assured that he's not feeling any chemistry either, because if he was, he would not be consuming something that smells like rotting dead fish feet (go with it) stuffed into a hockey bag and left in the sun for three weeks before being taken out and marinated in a garbage heap.
The Suz and I have speculated for years about how hungry the person who ate the first lobster must have been. My god, how hungry did someone have to be to decide to eat one of these things for the first time? And what did he tell the people around him to get them to try it?
Really, if a date isn't all you hoped it would be, it's okay to just beg off and go home. It's not necessary to assault your companions senses and ruin what could have been a fine cup of tea. And you're not going to win any points by trying to be Internet Eating Sensation Dave Chang unless you are, in fact, Internet Eating Sensation Dave Chang.
I never thought I'd be so relieved to come home and clean the catbox.
I'm thinking Ricky Gervais missed a grand opportunity in not making Karl Pilkington try one of these on An Idiot Abroad.
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