Tonight The Suz and I admit to ourselves and to the world that we have a problem.

For years we resisted reality television. Thought it was a stupid joke. I read Ben Elton's Dead Famous last summer, and that's as close as I have been to this cultural phenomenon. I know what I know about these shows from previews and from friends and coworkers.

Then all that changed. Joe Millionaire promised to be the nadir of American culture to date, and how could we resist?

I think The Suz secretly likes the idea of the name Joe paired with the word Millionaire, as this is something she is unlikely to see anywhere else in her life. I jumped in headfirst for the misogyny, the torrid lust, the raging stupidty of people out to make a buck. And of course the lies, lies, lies.

And it didn't stop there. Suddenly we're watching The Surreal Life and Jamie Kennedy on Thursdays. I fear this box can not be closed now.

But I digress.

Joe Millionaire has exceeded our expectations. First there's that guy. He's got a thick neck and the worst hair in the known universe. And he's dumber than a bag of hammers. His monologues go something like this:
"I just want these girls to like me for who I am, and I'm not a rich guy. I have to figure out which of them aren't into me just for the money. And this one is really hot. She's got a great body and wouldja LOOK AT THAT RACK!!!!"

Yeah. That.

And we get to make fun of Alex McLeod, because we think she has all the personality of a ball of drain hair. Her face doesn't move when she talks, and we were so happy when that cute little Paige Davis replaced her on Trading Spaces because Paige doesn't talk to the audience like we're stupid. While, we're also glad that Paige would never sully herself by being involved with something as sordid as a Fox dating show, we wonder how someone like Alex gets to be on television and we're still stuck working 9 hour days with supervisors who grab themselves and short people who pick their noses incessantly. And that's just at The Suz's job.

And then there was that story that broke about one of them being in fetish films, which prompted The Suz to make me visit the Adult Film Database with this very computer, on account of hers is broken right now. I don't even want to think what kind of mailing lists I'm going to end up on in exchange for seeing the cheesy blonde who gave Joe a hummer tying some poor schmo's feet together.

But the best part is that the whole thing has boiled down to the oldest known game that men play: Game Scenario Number 5. Game scenarios 1-4 have been lost to the ages, so we don't know what they were. What we do know is that sometime during the last century scrolls were unearthed near Olduvai Gorge that confirmed scenario #5.

Briefly, Game Scenario #5 involves the separation of women into two categories, Virgins and Whores. Good Girls and Bad Girls. Girls You Marry and Girls You F***. 4F Girls and Date Girls. The list of actual names goes on and on. The idea of which is that some girls are good for a hummer and some are good for washing your socks, and never the twain shall meet.

Do I believe that most men play this game?
In truth, I don't know anymore.

But it's an old cliche and our friends at Fox have orchestrated it for our viewing enjoyment. So of course I'm off to watch, as I've got $1 and who has to wash the dishes this week riding on the outcome of this thing....