The Manda Chaperones a High School Dance and Liveblogs it on Facebook

Note: At the start of each school year, our administration admonishes teachers that we should not write anything online, including email, that we wouldn't want published on the front page of The Boston Globe. Should that happen to the following, I would be thrilled, but not as thrilled as if it were to get picked up by something with a wide readership. And I would, of course, expect a byline for myself and K-Rock.

And now to the post:

Dances at the school where I work have been historically painful for us poor slobs who fall prey to the overeager student who shows up during a free period with the words, "Ms./Mr. _____, we need a chaperone for the dance on Saturday. Will you...?" This job offers no sort of concrete compensation other than the possibility of saying to a class sponsor, "Someday, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. Until that day, accept my chaperoning as a gift on this year's Homecoming Day."

Or something like that.

But, as I said, school dances have been painful to watch. I won't go into details about the things that I've seen at these events, though anyone who has ever watched the movie Caligula should have a pretty decent picture.

So last night K Rock and I, among others, were on duty for Homecoming 2009. The class sponsor is a friend of ours and called in a favor of her own. In order to make the time pass-- it's pretty boring out there if you're over the age of 18-- we decided to take notes on the proceedings, in the tradition of such pioneers in the field as Dian Fossey and Jane Goodall.

Add into that mix the new technologies of the iPhone with Facebook application, and we found that the time passed a little more quickly. Liveblogging a school dance still isn't one of the best ways I've found to spend a Saturday night. It ranks well below lying on my sofa eating Doritos with hot sauce and watching reruns of Dexter but well above the time I went out on a date with a guy who still lived with his parents and talked way too much about "adult entertainment."

The following is a mix of highlights from KRock's notes and my live feed on Facebook, edited for television and-- luck permitting-- The Boston Globe. All times listed are PM, Eastern Daylight Time.

7:28- Chaperones arrive. Begin testing batteries of breathalyzers. Volunteers to conduct said testing in short supply. Possibly attributed to pre-dance professional development seminar conducted off school premises.
7:45- Chaperones assume positions. K Rock settles near lighted area on fringe of cafeteria to facilitate grading papers. Manda wields knitting needles, a ball of superwash merino and a half-completed sock. We really want to be here. Really.
7:58- First two attendees arrive in cafeteria. Look of horror settles on their faces as they realize their faux pas.
8:07- Unnecessary screaming= 2; Boy/ Girl ratio= 2:18
8:15- Surge of dancers enter, still tentative. One kid in the corner getting his groove on.
-Chaperones decide liveblogging the dance will make the evening much more interesting,
and potentially career damaging.
8:17- DJ taking pictures. Should we be concerned? Has he passed a CORI check?
- Swarm of boys enter, avoiding eye contact with females.
- First Britney Spears song of the night. Sadly, it is not "Womanizer."
8:18- Group of "woo" girls enters.
8:22- KRock estimates ratio of boy prep/ grooming time to girls' at 1:37. Girls parade a variety of prints, fabrics and necklines. Boys arrive in rumpled khaki cargo shorts paired with blue and white button down shirts. Perhaps ironing should be offered as a graduation requirement.
8:24- Third group of running girls spotted. Large influx of seniors arriving "fashionably late."
8:28- Stylish dress spotting.
8:29- Girls dancing. Boys not so much. In my day, this would have led the DJ to break out Nirvana, leading to pseudo-mosh pit and tragic injuries which seem far less tragic now than they did at the time.
8:30- Instead we get some old school hip hop. First boy-dancing spotted; no injuries to report.
- KRock reports her internal organs are vibrating to the bass.
- DJ takes picture of KRock and me. But he seems nice enough, and I regret my earlier
implication about his possible criminal background.
8:31- Conga line. I don't think that word means what they think it means.
8:32- There's not a girl in the cafeteria wearing shoes. This strikes me as only marginally more sanitary than being barefoot in a frat lounge at Dear Old Wake Forest.
8:42- Epiphany. Low male to female ratio means less probability that the cafeteria will look like a scene from Caligula.
8:43- Chaperones consider listing the pile of abandoned shoes on eBay.
8:44- Chaperones start a pool guessing when the first girl will start crying.
8:45- Mass hysteria when DJ plays Miley Cyrus song. First beginnings of collective chaperone headache.
8:51- The crowd goes wild for "YMCA" causing chaperones' hearts to warm.
8:54- Line dancing. Flashback to M doing electric slide at every dance we ever went to in high school. Miss her.
8:56- A strain of impossibly small freshman boys is hitting it off with some senior girls. Confirms my long-term suspicion that I actually work in a John Hughes movie.
9:03- One girl spotted wearing socks. I predict she will be her class valedictorian.
9:05- Run DMC song causes unpleasant middle school flashback. The horror.
9:06- Mob becoming more condensed. Estimate core temperature at 120 degrees Fahrenheit.
9:12- I wish a girl would talk to the little awkward dude on the edge of the crowd.
- I also wish I'd brought my iPhone charger.
9:14- First crying girl spotted. Nobody wins the pool, and we probably deserve that.
9:15- Someone is wearing Uggs with a semi formal dress. Really?
9:16- Group of girls run off terribly upset because "he just broke up with me."
9:20- Same group of girls emerges from bathroom upon hearing "Poker Face" by Lady Gaga. They seem to be rebounding nicely.
9:24- New theory. High school dances create a wrinkle in the space time continuum that causes each minute to last approximately 180 seconds.
9: 30- Girls have taken to wearing spandex shorts under dresses, leading to a trend of reaching under skirts to adjust said spandex. This is preferable to previous dances in which London and France were sometimes visible- causing very real and profound disgust.
9:31- A boy who could be an extra from Freaks and Geeks looks dumbfounded at interaction with a girl.
9:35- Seniors begin mass exodus.
- iPhone battery dies, ending live feed.
9:45- Girl passes by wearing a dress that looks exactly like the Manda's swimsuit. Not sure if this means swimsuit is very frumpy or dress is too revealing. Possibly both.
9:51- Observation: no slow songs tonight. Fewer awkward moments between genders.
9:55- Exiting senior girl thanks chaperones for being there. Shock and awe follow.
9:56- A pair of suspicious freshman girls ask us to turn off the lights near the bathroom. 1) Why? 2) No. 3) Why?
10:00- Spice Girls? Really?
-Crowd has lost siginficant density. Can see far wall between bodies. The end is in sight.
10:02- Structural integrity of dance is seriously compromised. Cool factor has plummeted by 93%
10:05- "Thriller." Yup. "Thriller."
10:06- Little awkward dude from the edge of the crowd has made contact with a female. Promising development.
10:08- DJ takes request from last couple standing.
10:14- One couple left on the dance floor. They're having a ball-- isn't that what it's all about?
10:15- Official time of death.

The dance was supposed to last until 11:00, so while we experienced some disappointment that our research was cut short, this was mitigated by the fact that we still had a little time to salvage the evening for ourselves. This meant treturning to the class sponsor's house to watch this week's episode of Glee and forget the pain.