Poker Face

Not a lot of women play poker.

The Suz and I are just good enough at video poker to be able to stretch $20 in the machine to about $40 in free drinks. We're not good at table games at all without guidance, so mostly we sit in the bar and people watch.

Upon arrival and check in last night, we went out to walk around and cruise for action. Vegas might think it's cleaned up its image, but it's actually remarkably hard, even at the upscale places-- maybe especially at the upscale places-- to find a bar without go-go dancers.

We did locate one in Planet Hollywood, although their tables do come with go-go dancers. The bar had a band playing "Piano Man" when we walked up, which led me to believe that we had stumbled across a Billy Joel tribute band with a lead singer who looked like Russell Brand.

Then they played something else, and I realized it was just an ordinary cover band with a lead singer who looked like Russell Brand.

Suz found a spot with a poker machine right away, but the only other empty sport was next to a couple of guys-- we call them The Burny Twins-- who were gesticulating wildly with their cigarettes. They had a woman with them-- let's call her a friend-- wearing a teeny yellow tube dress and sunglasses made out of glow sticks. She was falling-down drunk and also smoking a cigarette with an ash roughly seven inches long.

Me: I want to drink for free, but not badly enough to get set on fire.
The Bartender: I bet you could take her.
Me: That's not even a question, but I don't want to start my vacation on manslaughter charges.

So I left The Suz and the friendly bartender and set off to wander around the casino floor. I ended up over by the poker tables, where I lingered because they had a TV showing highlights of yesterday's Giants game, which you can't really see in the photo, but I tried.

I noticed very few women at the poker tables. In fact, I only noticed one, and she looked like somebody's arm candy. Big blonde hair, strapless satin dress, copious cleavage, pearls... and a five o'clock shadow.

That's much cooler than being someone's arm candy, but doesn't give me much confidence about stepping into a poker game myself. I still can't pull off the strapless look.